


Come What May

by ShesJustLikeAMaze



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-01 06:20:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14514369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShesJustLikeAMaze/pseuds/ShesJustLikeAMaze
Summary: Everything he seemed to do drove me crazy because I wanted this baby to be mine, all mine. I was struggling with that a lot, I was eager to create an identity for myself outside of Virtue and Moir. For all the boyfriends who couldn’t understand my ‘funny little relationship’ with Scott, For all the people who assumed we were dating, for all the lost opportunities to meet the one. I wanted so badly to carry on with my life but now with baby on the way none of that seemed likely. If it wasn’t bad enough before having Scott unknowingly ruin every relationshsip I’ve ever had, try adding his baby to the mix. To top it all off, this baby is a Moir so she without a doubt is going to be the most beautiful little girl on the planet…This fic is not what you are expecting. It is going to be heart-breaking and potentially triggering. THIS IS A WARNING!





	1. Season's May Change

**Author's Note:**

> So, just a warning. My mind is a funny little place and this is something I created. There is sensitive topics in this fic and I don't want to spoil too much but if you have every lost a child use discretion. I think I might be a little crazy working on various fics right now knowing next semester starts in a week. I hope you enjoy this story and I appreciate comments. As always, things will get better and lighter as the story progresses.

  1. Season’s May Change



 

Scott and I sat waiting in a outdated, under decorated waiting room on the 9th floor of an office building. My head started pounding from the overpowering smell of cleaning supplies and the walls that were painted white, not off white, beige, or yellow….bleach white. I had to squint in order to keep my eyes open long enough to read the overwhelming amounts of Health and Lifestyle magazines stacked on the brown table that exactly matched the colour of the couch we were sitting on. The only photo was one on the wall behind the receptionists desk. It was a tacky, cheap looking frame that displayed a white horse running through water. I can see how the photographer would think this photo was a good one, the horse had it’s head up and it’s long mane flowing behind it as it ran with animated knee motion. The athleticism of the creature was beautiful but to me he looked scared; his eyes were big and rolling back and his nostrils were flared. I guess maybe it was supposed to be an analogy of what I was feeling right now. Scott tapped his foot nervously against the coffee table as we sat in silence. Throughout our 20 year partnership we have been in hundreds of different waitingrooms for hundreds of different reasons. None quite so terrifying, and as an Olympic athletes, that’s saying a lot.

 

Scott and I made a costly mistake in Pyeongchang this February after we had won the gold medal in Ice Dance. We have a 20 year partnership and he’s my best friend but we have never ever been anything more than that. I have watched Scott closely for 20 years and although he’s grown up a lot, he’s never been a good boyfriend. First it was Jessica who he played games with, they were teenagers so this could be forgiven. Then it was Cassandra, who he neglected, honestly I didn’t like her anyways. But Kaitlyn had been nice, she was a friend of mine. Scott went to a party one night, got drunk and said something stupid. I, by association, lost a really cool friend who wouldn’t even acknowledge I was at the games in Pyeongchang. That’s why when Scott and I had sex the night of our Free Dance, I had days of regret that came in waves. It was pure adrenaline, endorphins and lust. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen for weeks, whenever Scott would bring up the conversation I would dodge it like a bullet. It wasn’t until I missed two periods that I finally took a pregnancy test, a positive pregnancy test. A test that told me that I was pregnant with Scott Moir’s baby.

 

When I told him I was pregnant we were sitting in a park after our last Stars On Ice show. I wasn’t sure how he’d react and I knew that I couldn’t dodge the conversation much longer, especially with the SOI ending Gala where liquor was plentiful. I was expecting him to blame me for ruining his life, for making this stupid mistake, for not being careful; because those are all the things I was feeling. He didn’t blame me, he didn’t even yell, he smiled. The idiot smiled and then laughed, his eyes filling with tears, as if this was a beautiful moment, not a fucked up situation that I so badly wish i could ignore. The weeks following Scott had changed. He had always been really supportive of me, he was my biggest fan and I loved him for it, but since he’s found out he’s going to be a father he’s been totally outstanding. He’s cooked me dinner every night, he’s quit drinking, he run errands for me and he’s been really sweet. We aren’t together so these aren’t things I have asked him to do, in fact I even considered abortion but I’m 29 years old and my biological clock is ticking. By the time I finish my degree, meet someone who isn’t jealous of my history with Scott, marry them, and then have the baby talk; I’ll be in my mid to late thirties and that’s a minimum. It gets worst if I try to throw in the fact that my schedule is outrageous. So this is what brings me here, in this horrible room with Scott. 

 

Our first Ultrasound at 20 weeks had been overwhelming enough. I tried to stay away from doctors and hospitals as much as possible so I did the bare minimum, which drove Scott crazy. I remember feeling the same way as I did then as I do now. Scott reading “Parenting For Dummies” and me still wondering if it’s too late to back out, as if negotiating with the life inside me would do any good. That day in July had been hot and between the nerves, and the stuffy room I felt like jumping out the window. Once we were inside the office and the doctor was slathering gel on my slightly swollen tummy, I could practically hear Scott’s heart beating. He loved our baby and he hasn’t even met her yet. I remember thinking this was ridiculous until I saw her. The doctor showed her on the sonogram and her tiny little fingers and toes curled into a fist. I cried really hard, it became real for me. I was going to be a mother. I was so in love. After leaving the appointment that day my entire perspective changed. I originally didn’t want my baby. It annoyed me when Scott would fuss over me or read me quotes directly out of a baby book. It bothered me when he wanted to plan a gender reveal party. Everything he seemed to do drove me crazy because I wanted this baby to be mine, all mine. I was struggling with that a lot, I was eager to create an identity for myself outside of Virtue and Moir. For all the boyfriends who couldn’t understand my ‘funny little relationship’ with Scott, For all the people who assumed we were dating, for all the lost opportunities to meet the one. I wanted so badly to carry on with my life but now with baby on the way none of that seemed likely. If it wasn’t bad enough before having Scott unknowingly ruin every relationshsip I’ve ever had, try adding his baby to the mix. To top it all off, this baby is a Moir so she without a doubt is going to be the most beautiful little girl on the planet….So I caved. I started to let Scott take care of me without complaining. I let him paint the nursery. I let him move in. I let him love me like I promised myself since I was 22 that I’d never do. It wasn’t what I wanted but it was everything that I needed.

 

I am now seven months pregnant and in for another ultrasound because things have become worrisome. I haven’t gotten morning sickness in a few weeks and I haven’t felt our baby move, no matter how much I try to dance her around. Scott had rubbed lotion on my tummy and even tried to sing ‘Gangsters paradise’ to her. Which is enough to terrify her. We decided we would name her Harriet Jordan Moir. Canada’s future ice dancing heartbreaker. Scott started working at Gadbois coaching juniors and him and Marie-France had already planned out Harriet’s first routine, I on the other hand would be happy to see my little girl doing what she loves, even if that was playing hockey. I cupped my arms lovingly around my tummy to hug my daughter as the doctor called for Scott and I to go to his office. Scott grabbed onto my hand protectively and we followed the doctor to his clinic room where I layed back onto the bench. 

 

“How have you been Ms. Virtue?” Doctor Martin asked me.

“I’ve been quite good actually, I’m not sure about Harriet though. She hadn’t moved around much lately.” I knew it was going to be okay.

“At this stage the baby should be kicking.” I glared at Scott who was trying to tell the doctor how to do his job, “....I’ve read.” He cowered into his chair.

“You might just have a lazy baby.” The doctor chuckled softly and squeezed gel onto my stomach.

“Oh Harriet, no being lazy. Daddy is going to force you out of bed at 5 am for practise.” I cooed to my own stomach. The Doctor’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Could you maybe roll onto your left side slightly?” The Doctor asked. I did as told.

“Is something wrong, doc?” Scott asked biting his nails. The doctor dragged the wand across my stomach. The picture looked the same as last time, Harriet had all her fingers and toes. Her head has grown and her bones looked bigger.

“I’m...I’m so, so sorry Ms. Virtue.” He said lifting the wand off my tummy.

“What? What happened?” I sat up panicking.

“Your baby has died, she doesn’t have a heartbeat.” he said looking down at his shoes.

“What? No! No, no, no ,no. She has to! I’m seven months pregnant. I can’t miscarry.” I started sobbing as his words sunk in. Scott sat in his chair white as a ghost, unable to breath.

“Sometimes these things happen. There has been a placental insufficiency and your baby has suffered from preeclampsia, the blood supply into the placenta has been cut off and your baby wasn’t able to receive enough oxygen.” The doctor shut off his equipment and I held my small bump sobbing. I looked over at Scott and he too was hysterical.

“I’m...so...sorry.” I said between sobs.

“Harriet!” Scott yelled placing his head in his hands. I have destroyed him.

“We will have to induce your labour Ms. Virtue, please take your time and let me know when you’d like to do this.” Dr. Martin said before leaving Scott and I alone.

 

The next few weeks were shit. I went to the hospital and got induced, the most fucked up part of it all was that I still had to fill out a birth certificate and name her after having her lifeless body being pulled from me. The entire thing was so unbelievably sickening. Scott wasn’t dealing with things very well, and I didn’t help the situation. Sometimes it was really hard for me to come to terms that Harriet was his daughter too. That he was equally as sad as I was and that he also got his family ripped apart. It was Halloween and we were sitting on the couch with all the lights turned off eating chocolates. Neither one of us felt like pretending we were happy to see those kids when they came to our door so instead we decided to lay low. I didn’t know what to say to Scott anymore, I didn’t know why he’d even stick around. We were tip-toeing around each other constantly, avoiding talking about it. We shut the door to Harriet’s room and have since gone inside, not even to dust. In our silent, dark house sitting next to each other and not speaking, I finally found the words that were in the back of my mind.

 

“Scott, I think you should move out.” I said softly.

“Why?” he said,his voice exhausted.

“Because we have nothing keeping us together anymore.” I spoke so honestly, knowing it would hurt him.

“What are you talking about? I love you.” Scott said, turning to me. Hurt filling his exhausted eyes.

“No you don’t, you loved Harriet.” We both cringed at the sound of her name.

“No I love you. I have loved you for years.” His voice filled with emotions.

“Stop lying to me.” I said, feeling my eyes swell with tears.

“I’m not. Do you want to know why Kaitlyn and I really broke up? It wasn’t because I said something stupid while drunk, it was because I said something honest. I told her I was in love with you and that I’d always choose you. I have felt that way since our comeback, Tess. When I found out you were pregnant I was happy, because it meant that i got to be connected to you. I want to be with you, because I love you.” He said, now on his knees in front of me. He knows, I think he’s always known.

“I don’t love you back.” I said without any tone at all.

“Please Tessa, don’t do this. Don’t break my heart.” Scott wrapped his arms around my waist and cried into my flat, Harriet-less stomach.

“I’m sorry Scott...I never wanted this, any of this...I didn’t choose to be-”

“Tessa stop. You have never been a selfish person but you’re being one right now. Harriet was my daughter too and I loved her. I have never lost anything in my entire life but then we lost Harriet, and now I’m losing you too? I would trade in any gold medal or Olympics to change the outcome but that is no longer in my control. I will pack up my stuff and leave tonight, if this is what you want. And if it is, I hope you mean it because as soon as I cross that threshold Tess, I never want you to see you again.” Scott said, looking completely defeated.

“Goodbye Scott.” I said, wanting so badly to feel.

“21 years of trust, commitment and understanding down the drain.” Scott said at my feet. 

 

I stood up and walked away from him down the hall and into the bathroom. I drew a bath in our- no my- clawfoot tub and climbed inside feeling the warm water swirl around me. I closed my eyes and listened to the raindrops tapping against the window. I have done a terrible thing, Scott was right when he said I was selfish, but somehow I don’t seem to care. I got out of the bath and dried myself staring at my face in the mirror. The lines beside my eyes were just a little bit deeper and my cheeks have hollowed out since I was a chubby cheeked teenager. I pulled on my bathrobe and walked out of the bathroom into a silent home. I looked into my bedroom to find that the drawers in Scott’s dresser had been cleared out, his gold medal that had been sitting next to mine was gone and his Maple Leafs throw blanket was replaced by a simple beige one that wasn’t quite as soft. The living room was stripped of all our pictures and books and the kitchen was left without a sign of it’s chef. As I walked through the house looking from room to room there had been zero evidence that Scott had been there. It was all me, just me. Finally I came to the room at the very end of the hallway, it’s door still closed shut. Something deep in my gut was trying to pull me inside but I don’t think I could bare to look at it. The little white crib with the lavender blanket knitted by Alma, The rocking chair, the giant teddy bear. It would destroy me. I took a deep breath mumbling, “enough now” to myself as I swung open the door. I walked inside the room feeling the cold, still air weighing me down. Inside Harriet’s crib, laying on the neatly folded blanket was Scott’s gold Medal and a small pink card tucked underneath. With shaking hands I pulled the card from under the weighted medal and read it carefully. 

 

Dear Harriet,

Today is your tenth birthday. I just wanted to tell you how unbelievably proud your mother and I am of you. I am writing this letter to you in July of 2018, we just got to see your heartbeat for the first time on the sonogram and I cried a little bit. Just like your mother, I can already tell how vast, beautiful and important you are. On your mother’s 10th birthday I remember saving up my allowance so I could take her to see Moulin Rouge in theaters, the movie that inspired our Pyeongchang Olympic free dance winning us a gold medal and a new found love. Now you are our gold medal, and you shine brighter than anything I have ever seen. I hope you have a fantastic double-digit birthday. Seasons may change, winter to spring but I love you until the end of time.

 

Happy Birthday baby, Love from your biggest fan

XXX- Dad

 

I read the card and then re-read the card, feeling my knees as they buckled beneath me. I collapsed on the floor of Harriet’s room and I just sobbed, everything I didn’t think I could feel flooding around me. It was weird being in this room without Scott.

  
  



	2. Winter To Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't erase the past

2)Winter to Spring

 

It had been the longest winter we’ve had in a long time and with the Junior Worlds Championships around the corner It was my job to make sure my students were prepared. I shoveled a path through the snow for what seemed like the sixth time this week so I could get my car out of my driveway. I moved into a condo only 15 minutes away from Gadbois 2 years ago when Tessa asked me to leave. I remember that night clear as day. It was Halloween and Tessa and I were eating chocolate in the dark to avoid trick-or-treaters knocking at our door. It had been the hardest month of my life and when Tessa told me she didn’t love me I thought I had hit rock bottom. I remember packing up that night and entering my baby girl’s room for the first time since we discovered that she was still born. I placed my gold medal in her crib with a birthday card I wrote her after seeing her for the first time, knowing that Tessa would never see them. She’d most likely never go into that room again, even if she sold that house she would sell it leaving that room untouched. Somehow this made me feel like I have won just a little bit, knowing that I left a part of me in that crib for Harriet’s eyes only. Patrice picked me up that night and took me back to his and Marie-France’s home where I cried into her shoulder unable to speak. They didn’t know what to say to me so they just sat with me until I fell asleep. That had gone on for about 4 days until Marie-France took the day off work to find me a place. The place that she chose is the place that I continue to live in. Two weeks later I returned to work and I have been re-building my life since. 

 

I pulled my car into the Gadbois parking lot and two of my students were just entering the building Emilie, a 14 year old girl with her partner Sam who had just turned 16. Emilie reminded me a lot of myself, she was an excitable little girl who always had to be kept busy. Sam was a plain, quirky, shy teen who was extremely good at what he does but wouldn’t take the compliment if you tried. After regretfully watching ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” with the skaters on their night off, I don’t even blame Emilie for nicknaming her partner ‘Newt’. Because he was Eddie Redmayne’s character to a T. Emilie on the other hand is pretty with dark eyes, dark hair but snow white skin. Tessa, if she was here, would say she reminds her of a young Audrey Hepburn with her delicate features and expressive eyebrows. The pair were huddled around Emilie’s phone and Newt...I mean Sam, awkwardly shifted his weight behind her, hovering over her shoulder. Thank-god Sam can act because when him and Emilie are skating around the ice they look confident and beautiful, but in interviews he is a mess and usually Emilie takes the lead. 

 

“What are you two looking at?” I asked coming up behind them, “You need to start warming up.”

“Uhm..Yeah, you don’t want to go in there.” Emilie said, sharing a knowing look with Sam.

“Worlds is in a month.” I rolled by eyes.

“Scott, she’s here.” Emilie said, I had no idea what she was talking about so I looked at Sam who was chewing his lower lip.

“Tessa is here.” He said weakly, trying to clarify. “We saw it on twitter.”

 

I brushed past the pair patting Sam on the shoulder so he knew I wasn’t mad at him...he was like that. I didn’t know what I would do or what I would say to her but I couldn’t stop my feet from moving or my mind from racing. I walked through Gadbois past the hockey rinks and change rooms until I got to the rink #6, the ice I teach on. Standing at the boards with Patrice was Tessa, the same girl who I have built my life around. I couldn’t move my feet, I just stared at her like a deer in headlights, taking her in completely. She cut her hair, it now sits a few inches below her shoulders. The creases beside her eyes have deepened ever so slightly and the freckles that worked their way from her chest up to her chin have faded. Her eyes, nose and lips were unchanged, their curves and edges the same as when i studied her last. I couldn’t decided how I felt seeing her standing in front of me. I wanted so badly to hold her in my arms so after 2 years of letting my breathing become untuned I could synchronize my heartbeat back with hers. I was conflicted because I have trained myself to believe that I’d never see her or hear her voice again.

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked, Tessa who didn’t see me standing in the doorway looked up to meet my eye.

“Scott…” She exhaled, taking me in. Her voice was like honey.

“Scott, hear me out.” Patrice said.

“WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?” I yelled, letting the emotions flood out. Emile and Sam were now a few feet behind me.

“Scott, I asked Tessa to join our team. Marie-France and I are busy with our seniors and the junior’s need a female counterpart. You can't do it alone.” Patrice said.

“You could have chosen anyone.” I felt betrayed.

“You won’t work with just anyone, Scott.” Patrice said.

“We want her here.” Emilie ducked past me to stand between Tessa and I, “Our technical scores are incredible Scott, but all our comments criticize our musicality and our performance. I need to know how to do the girly stuff, and no offense but you don’t really know how to teach that. Sam and I want gold and we want you and Tessa, as a team.”

“Emilie...You’re messing with 21 years of history.” I felt tears swelling in my eyes.

“We want her here.” Sam said, joining Emilie’s side.

“You don't have to do this Sam.” I said to the nervous boy.

“A..A..Actually it was me...who asked Patch… to choose Tessa.” Sam stuttered looking at his skates.

“Why did you accept the job?” I directed this question at Tessa, overwhelmed with emotions.

“Because I needed to.” Tessa said, not elaborating.

“This is so cruel, Patrice.” I said, shaking my head. “You know better than anyone how she destroyed me.” Tessa looked down at her hands with shame.

“I know and I’m sorry as a friend.” Patrice shrugged, “As a business partner, I'm not sorry. Tessa is the best for the job.”

“Can we talk outside?” I asked Patch.

“No Scott, you have work to do.” Patch turned on his heel and hurried away leaving me with Emilie, Sam and Tessa...the last person I ever expected to see.

 

I started my training day the same as any other. While the pair did their individual warm ups I called their physiotherapist to get an update on their physical health. I do this for all of my teams because it's something I wished Marina would have done for us. We could have prevented a lot of injuries if she was more in tune with our physical health. If i hadn't checked in with Peter often I wouldn't know that Emilie needs to build up her core muscles to prevent her arching her back and I wouldn't know that Sam has grown 2 inches the past 6 months and needs to adjust his balance. I also send them to a marriage counselor and sport psychologist to help them with their partnership, which has always been solid. Tessa watched me from the boards as I made notes on my clipboard with my cell phone tucked between my ear and shoulder. I was trying to continue with my work in hopes that she would decide she made the wrong decision in coming. We didn't speak, we just watched my students. 

 

“Bring it in.” I called to the kids. They skated obediently to the boards. I finished lacing up my skates and joined them on the ice.

“I want to start with your rotational lift. Emilie, you have been arching your back too much on entry. You have to keep a straight spine.” I said crossing my arms over my chest.

“I don’t feel like he’s able to get me all the way onto his shoulder without the momentum from me arching backwards into him.” Emilie said. Tessa skated to center ice uninvited.

“Sam, if you rotate faster on the entry momentum will help propel Emilie onto your shoulder rather than Emilie lobbing herself onto you. It will look cleaner and it will save both of you an unnecessary injury.” Tessa said, casually. Both Emilie and Sam looked to me for direction.

“Go on, you heard her.” I said, not validating Tessa by looking at her.

 

Sam and Emilie prepared for the lift but this time Sam rotated quicker holding Emilie bridal style then swinging her around his back until momentum carried her up to his shoulder. She did the move neatly without needing to arch around him and pulled herself up. I looked to Tessa, impressed that she understood right away what they were lacking. All they needed was a quicker rotation. Sam put Emilie down and the pair skated to meet us.

 

“Did you see that?” Emilie smiled.

“I did.” I said, hiding the bitterness.

“It worked!” Emilie giggled, “It really worked, thank-you Tessa!” Emilie spun around in a celebratory dance.

“You did a wonderful job” Tessa said to the teens who were looking at her like she was golden. “Now try kicking up the technical level by keeping your hands above your head. You shouldn’t need to hold onto him. He’s got you.” Tessa said. 

 

Emilie looked nervously at Sam but the pair skated off and repeated the lift but this time Emilie stretched into a layout, not assisting the lift by pulling herself onto Sam’s shoulder. It had looked cleaner and more stylized so once Emilie had made it to a sit position on his shoulder she looked more like a show girl with her arms raised above her head presenting herself. It worked well with this year’s Charleston theme for their short dance.

 

“How did you know she was capable of that?” I asked Tessa, who was now so close I could feel her aura. 

“I didn’t, but I knew he was. He spots every move he makes and I knew that if she didn’t rotate in time he’d be balanced enough to improvise. Emilie also can’t be more than 95 pounds soaking wet and Sam is way stronger than he looks. There was very little possibility that they couldn’t have found a way to complete the step.” She looked at me searching my face, “A wise man once told me to trust the training.” I refused to respond.

 

Emilie and Sam finished with their short dance adjustments to a mash up of ‘Booty Swing’ and ‘Clap your Hands’ by Parov Stelar. They were ready to run the whole thing with music and when I pressed play I could see Tessa glancing at me out of the corner of her eye.

 

“Emilie chose the music.” I mumbled under my breath.

“I just think she could do so much more with this music...This is totally her style. She’s kind of like Meryl Davis in that way. She has that beautiful classic pin-up look and expressive face, I’d like to see her use it more.” Tessa said. I glared at her crossing my arms over my chest.

“Tess, why did you come here?” I asked, “Is this really about my skaters or is this about me? Because there are hundreds of teams that would be bidding on your time.”

“This is about me actually.” She said looking at me, “I want to be your skating partner Scott. It’s all I’ve been working for my entire life.”

“Oh, and I don’t get a say in the matter?” I felt my blood boil but just then Sam came into center ice.

“We are ready to move into our Free Dance now.” He said, trying to read my face.

“Alright Sam, take your starting position.” I said, flipping through my ipod.

 

I pressed play and the arena erupted with ‘Patches of Sky’ by Coeur De Pirate. Emilie and Sam skated around beautifully to the beautiful piano instrumental, flowing from one move to the next. The music then faded into Come What May looked at Tessa as she listened to the lyrics, her eyes tearing up.

 

“Did Emilie choose this song too?” Tessa whispered.

“No. I did.” I said looking at her. ‘Come What May’ was the song that we skated to in Pyeongchang. It was our song. 

“Oh, Scott…”Tessa looked at me a tear rolling down her cheek.

“Don't.” I said skating towards the boards. “That’s enough for today.”

 

I turned off the music and Emilie and Sam looked at me from where they were halfway through their dance, confused. They knew better than to say anything. They just held hands and watched me leave, Tessa falling apart still at center ice.

 


	3. Like I've Never Seen The Sky

3) Like I've Never Seen the Sky

 

I cried in front of Emilie and Sam and although they handled it really well, I did not allow myself to feel okay. This wasn't okay. I was supposed to be their role model and supporter, not an added level of drama. Now with Scott walking out halfway through their practise they must feel so defeated. I broke him. Scott would NEVER give up on his kids so he must really hate me…

“Should we just come back tomorrow?” Sam asked in a small, meek voice.

“No, there is no time.” I said.

“Tessa, no offense or anything but we need Scott...we appreciate you being here but you don't know us yet, we tend to get into our heads without him.” Emilie looked down at her skates.

“I totally agree. I will fix this, I promise.” I looked between the two sulking teens. “ This is not your fault. He is not mad at You, he is mad at me.”

“What do we do?” Sam looked at Emilie.

“Do you have your costumes?” I asked.

“Yes.” Emilie nodded.

“Do you love them?” I knew the answer.

“No, they're terrible!” Emilie hissed.

“Well that's what we can do while we wait for Scott. We will get fitted for new costumes.” I improvised. They seemed excited enough by the idea.

 

Emilie and Sam got off the ice and went into their separate change rooms to pull on their street clothes. I went to Patrice’s office where he was writing up reports. He looked worried when he saw me, mascara smudged and red in the face.

“Tessa?” he stood up, “Are you alright?”

“Well...yeah. I'm fine. Scott left and we don't know where he went and the kids won't skate without him so I'm taking them to get new costumes made.” I tried to sound casual.

“He left?” Patch looked past me like I hadn't looked hard enough. 

“Yes. He left.” I repeated.

“For fucks sake.” He pulled on his coat.

“Where are you going?” I watched him pass me.

“To find Scott. Tessa he is really hurt. I probably should have talked to him before asking you here. Take the kids and I'll call you later, Okay?” Patrice looked at the hurt on my face and then gave me a quick hug.

“I’m so happy to see you my belle. Marie cried when she heard her baby was back. Things will get better.” He said before running off.

 

I hope he's right.

 

Emilie and Sam jumped into the backseat of my SUV and Emilie chatted happily with me about fashion while Sam looked out the window. I watched the kids a few times on TV since they started competing with Scott at just 12 and 14 but I never got to see how cool their little personalities are. The kids talked about how kind and fun Scott is to them, taking them in as if they were his own. It was really a unique relationship they had because Sam grew up in foster care and just happened to be in the right place at the right time when Marie-france saw him skating as an 11 year old at a school field trip  and Emilie is wealthy but her family lives in France and she doesn't know them well. She was raised by nannies and housekeepers. Her parents paid good money to ship her to Gadbois after the Pyeongchang Olympics. Scott has been sponsoring them since. He just couldn't bare not to be dad. It was exciting for me to learn about my new team. They are such sweet and determined children, it makes it that much easier for me to think I've made the right decision.

 

“So question! What was Scott thinking when he designed your costumes?” I asked the kids.

“I have no idea. I didn't think our Charleston was terrible enough to put me in a brown paper bag!” Emilie joked.

“I watched you at Nationals and cringed.” I laughed.

“I cried when I first tried it on. I begged Scott to let me wear my practise dress. He just looked so sad and I didn't want to seem ungrateful so I wore the damn thing.

“What seamstress did he use?” I asked, wondering if he used Carlos, our old seamstress who made our Olympic costumes.

“Some lady in the mall.” Emilie said.

“What! No, No, No. Why didn't he use Carlos?” I asked them.

“Scott refuses to remind himself of you. He won't do anything he used to do with you. He won't even drink hot chocolate.” Sam shrugged.

“shit.” I sunk inside.

“it'll get better! He still loves you.” Emilie smiled.

“Em!” Sam looked at her. “Scott wouldn't appreciate you telling her!”

“really? Because it's pretty obvious. Look at our music. It must have some underlying meaning.” em rolled her eyes. “he's heard it a hundred times and still gets moved by it.”

“that's enough now Emilie.” I said softly, focusing extra hard on the road.

“I’m sorry…” Emilie looked at me, “All I’m saying is that we love Scott, he’s the closest we have both had to a father figure...I want him to be happy. Even if we have only known him for 2 years, I can't imagine doing this without him.”

 

We finally arrive through the snow at Carlos’ shop and the teens jumped out of my car and walked into the store. I stayed behind a few beats to take deep breaths to control my emotions before seeing Carlos. Emilie gasped when she walked inside and saw thousands of different fabrics and textures. Even Sam seemed to lose himself in the magic a little. Carlos came out from the back of his store and enveloped me in a hug when he saw me.

“Bonjour my princess!” He kissed my cheek. “Where is the husband today?” 

“Scott is still not my husband silly!” I smiled.

“Stupid boy! He should have married you when he first laid eyes on you.” Carlos pinched my cheek.

“That would have been a little weird since I was seven years old.” I chuckled. “Carlos these are Scott’s students Emilie and Sam. These two compete in a month so we are under a bit of time constraints. Do you think you could whip up a couple of nice costumes for their Junior Worlds?” I asked him.

“Oh yes, yes, yes! Look at this beautiful child. She looks like a doll.” Carlos cupped Emilie’s face in his hands. “And you son, are tall and handsome.” Carlos clapped Sam on the back.

“Their Short Dance is a Charleston and their Free Dance is romantic.” I explained.

“Oh now I’m excited! A Charleston for the flapper girl. Here is what I’m thinking for you, gold sequin bodice with delicate black lace cap sleeves and black tassle skirt. We will also put you in long black lace gloves and a sequin gold headband. For the man he will wear a gold vest and bowtie with a simple black pinstripe dress shirt and pants.”

“Like I said Carlos, we have 4 weeks.”I reminded the man with a vision.

“Yes, I know Tessa! I’ll have it done in 2. As for their Free Dance, Sam can wear regular black skate pants and an royal blue shirt, I’d like to see Emilie in a simple black, off the shoulder flounce leotard with an a royal blue sheer skirt that can tie around. It will be very simple.” He smiled.

“Do these sound better than your weird brown costumes?” I asked the kids who were staring wide eyes at Carlos who drew quickly with a pencil making their costumes come to life.

“Wow...We are going to look like winners.” Sam said, not taking his eyes away from the sketch.

 

The teens hovered over Carlos and talked to him about their goals to go to the Olympics while I excused myself to make a call outside. I looked at my phone and saw a message from Patrice that said, ‘Found Scott, call him’. I wasn’t sure what I was about to receive on the other end when I called him, I didn’t even know if he had the same number...I tried anyways. I listened to the phone ring once, twice, three times before I heard him pick up.

 

“Hi.” He said in a strained voice.

“Hi.” I said, suddenly feeling really embarrassed. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” He said in a clipped tone.

“Can we talk?” I asked.

“Alright.” He said. I was shocked.

“Okay?”

“Yes Tessa, we can talk.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll text you my address, why don’t you come over after dinner, say 7ish?”

“Yeah...that would be great.” I said softly, “Scott, the kids really miss you.”

“I know, I'm only doing this for them and them alone.” He said in a clipped tone.

“Emilie and Sam are my students too now, Scott.” I said, trying to keep my tone light.

“Yeah...sure. I’ll see you later, okay?” His voice sounded tired.

“Okay, see you at 7.” I said before hanging up the phone.


	4. It All Revolves Around You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This didn't change anything. I was still extremely mad and couldn't forgive Tessa. I still didn't want her in my rink or in my life for that matter but I didn't regret allowing myself a fix of the drug I had been clean from for 2 years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all like this chapter. I'd consider this chapter a build-up and foreshadowing chapter on what's to come. As always comments and feedback are greatly appreciated.

4) It all revolves around you

I showed up at the address Scott gave me carrying a bottle of wine. The gesture seemed so formal and distant, something I would only do if I was going to an in-law’s house or an acquaintance who I didn’t know very well. I shifted my weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other as I waited for him to answer the door. He lived in a brick condo in a long row of identical attached homes. There was nothing setting Scott's home apart and if I diverted my attention I could have easily missed it. Nothing about the exterior of the home reminded me of Scott. He was so full of character and originality. Finally Scott opened the door and stepped back to let me in. He didn't say anything or even look at me. It was like he was letting a dog in from a bathroom break...even then Scott would talk to his pet. To him I was vermin. I followed him through his house to his kitchen and set the bottle on his counter. It looked as though he had just moved in one day ago. There were empty spaces in the corner where there should have been a coffee table or a plant. The walls were a blank, pale beige colour. The only sign of Scott was the 3 pictures on his fireplace mantel. One of him and his brothers, one of his mom and dad, and the last one was him with the cast of Stars On Ice Japan soaking up the sun in Osaka. I knew because I was the one who took the picture. Hanging above the TV was a leafs flag that was signed by the players. I was there for that too. No matter how hard Scott tried to erase me from his life now, he couldn't just forget 21 years of history.   
“Want a coffee or something?” Scott brought me back to the present. I suddenly felt very aware of how differently we were dressed. I was wearing a silk blouse and dark washed jeans and he was in his pajamas.  
“I brought wine.” I shrugged.  
“Okay. Do you mind if I put it in a cup? I don't have wine glasses.” I nodded, Scott said uncorking the bottle not looking at me. He poured one glass and slid it across the counter to me. I pulled out a stool at his island and watched him uncomfortably move around his kitchen.  
“Aren't you going to have some?” I asked.  
“I don't drink.” He said, finally pulling up a chair across from me.  
“I saw Carlos today and he's making Em-" Scott cut me off.  
“Why did you come?” Scott growled.  
“Because you invited me.” I sat up straight.  
“No Tessa. Why did you come to Gadbois? What are you playing at. You asked me to leave, remember? You pushed me away and I told you I never wanted to see you again. Why the fuck did you come?” Scott’s fists were clenched pressed on the counter.  
“It's been two years…” I said, trying to find the right thing to say.  
“Time doesn't heal all wounds.” Scott looked away and I could see tears forming in his eyes.  
“I made a mistake.” I said, barely audible.  
“Tessa Virtue doesn't make mistakes.” Scott spat. “You meant what you said. You didn't love me. You never have.”   
“I was hurting.” I started to ugly cry.  
“So. Fucking. Was. I.” Scott glared.  
“Scott I wasn't lying. I didn't love you. Not in that moment. But guess what! I didn't love myself either. It took 2 years apart, and countless hours in a therapist's office to build up the courage to come here. It only took 1 hour of having you gone to know I needed you.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand taking big swigs of wine.  
“I didn't need an hour. You destroyed me. I do not forgive you.” Scott was now crying too.  
“Can you let me try to fix this?” I pleaded.  
“I don't know...I think you should go.” Scott stood up. I stayed put.  
“No.” I said boldly.  
“What?” Scott looked shocked.  
“No. I'm not going.” I leaned into the counter for effect. “Not until you agree to let me try.”  
“Sam will be home soon.” Scott huffed.  
“I'm keeping my job Scott. You can make me as uncomfortable as you want but I'm staying. You're only hurting the kids by rejecting me. You may not forgive me and that's fine but I'm not going to stop being near you.” I said finishing my wine. Fueling the bravery.  
“You're so stubborn.” Scott said. We both turned when the door clicked and Sam walked into the kitchen. He froze in his place looking at Scott, then me, then the tension between us.  
“I..I’m sorry.” Sam's face turned beet red.  
“It's okay Sam. I was just leaving.” I stood up and patted the blond boy on the shoulder, “I'll see you boys tomorrow.”  
“See you tomorrow.” Sam smiled. I stopped at the door and turned to Scott and waited. He let out a long sigh.   
“I'll see you tomorrow.”

…

“Can you believe she said that?” I shook my head, “Tessa has officially gone mad. She thinks my life revolves around her! Like I'll just take her back!”

Marie-france and Patch look at each other and then back at me. As soon as Tessa left I immediately called Patch and within 20 minutes they met me at a bar down the street. I was on my second cup of coffee and Patch was nursing his beer. Marie has had a few cocktails and still managed to look uneasy.

“Scott we empathize. I swear we do but Tessa is our employee now, you can't bring your personal issues to work” Patch held his wife's hand. “Can you try playing nice?”  
“This isn't work!” I spat. “You're supposed to be my friends!”  
“Sweety..we are. But I'm also Tessa’s friend too and what happened at the rink today can not happen again.” Marie said.  
“She can't have you both!” I complained.  
“Scott!” Marie put on her parenting voice, “We will not choose sides!”  
“I just don't know how to be near her anymore. It's physically painful.” I felt my chest contract.  
“It'll get better. I promise.” Patch frowned.  
“Everyone keeps saying that. I was actually starting to feel human again. I was actually able to sleep at night and breath normally. And then she showed up and I don't think I can recover a second time.” I felt torn.  
“Why don't you try seeing someone else?” Patch asked me.  
“Because I doubt I'll ever find someone I'll love as much as I loved her. I doubt I'll find someone as smart, as beautiful, as determined.” I looked to my hands.  
“Yet you wont give her a second chance?” Marie asked.  
“No. I'd rather die alone than with or without her.” I shook my head, even I felt confused by what I was saying.  
“Harriet would forgive you if you did move on...you know what right sweety?” Marie said softly.  
“Don't you dare say her name! Leave her out of this!” I glared at Marie.  
“Scott...I don't know what to tell you. I need to have you fully committed to our juniors. You need to get it together!” Patrice said.  
“But how?” I felt angry.  
“I don't know, but I'm sure you'll figure it out...in the meantime please try to be kind.” Marie said.  
I groaned.  
“We love you Scott.” Marie said, I rolled my eyes, “Give it a chance.”

I was just about done with time, chances, forgiveness, new leaves to turn over...all that bullshit that people say but don't understand. 

I left the bar that night feeling angrier than I had when Tessa showed up at the rink. If it wasn't enough that I had to be reminded of Tessa every day by teaching her sport, now I was being forced to actually work next to her. It's almost as though Tessa is trying to hurt me. If we rolled back the clock to 2017 I would have thought it impossible. She was my everything. My entire world revolved around her. She was the sun and I was just the Venus orbiting around her. I needed her but she sure as hell didn't need me, despite what she may say. I walked and walked and walked hoping eventually I'd cool down enough to return home. I couldn't be reckless anymore, I had to pay attention to how others perceive me because not only was I now well known internationally, I sponsored and shared a home with a boy who needed security. He needed a friend, a confident, a leader...he needed a father. I tried to breathe deeply and think about the leafs winning the Stanley cup, about my mother's shepherds pie, about freshly sharpened Skates and ball caps with snapbacks. Anything to distract me from my feet that were guiding me right to her. I stopped in my tracks and looked around realizing what I had done. I was standing on my old lawn staring at our white house with cleanly painted shutters and an SUV in the freshly shoveled driveway. I subconsciously walked myself home. To Tessa’s home. I blinked hard focusing my eyes through the front window, I could see Tessa curled up on her pristine white couch, her knees drawn to her chest and a coffee mug pressed to her lips. I knew how horrible this would look if I got caught standing in front of her house in the middle of the night like a stalker. I started backing slowly away when I saw her turn over two gold medals in her hands. One of them was mine. It felt like I was frozen. I couldn't seem to breath. She must have gone into Harriet’s room. Another thing that was no longer mine. I couldn't make out Tessa’s face but I could tell by the way her ears turned red and her body was shaking that she was crying. I don't know what the driving force behind my actions was, maybe it was the fact that I couldn't bare to see her in pain or maybe it was because I was still hopelessly, pathetically in love with her but my body betrayed my mind and was knocking at her door. It didn't take her long to answer and when she did I threw myself at her embracing her.

I stroked her hair and rubbed soothing circles in her back. She cried into my shoulder and I carried her into our- her- room and just held her until she fell asleep. We didn't speak, we didn't glare, we just existed comforting each other. I breathed in the familiar scent of her favourite shampoo and touched the velvety soft skin behind her ears. Her body tucked against mine so naturally and it felt as though I had woken up from a coma, remembering every lovely thing before the accident, except in this case it was a break-up. Once Tessa was asleep and tucked in i left her room and walked down the hall to Harriet’s nursery. I opened the door and flicked on the light seeing the room completely unchanged...except a small pink card that had been placed on the dresser. I pulled out a pen and my coaching clipboard from my bag and began to scribble a note to my daughter, my hot tears falling heavily on my forearms. Once I was satisfied I folded the note, placed it in the crib, turned off the light, closed the bedroom door and excited Tessa’s home.

This didn't change anything. I was still extremely mad and couldn't forgive Tessa. I still didn't want her in my rink or in my life for that matter but I didn't regret allowing myself a fix of the drug I had been clean from for 2 years.

And for the first time since that rainy halloween day I felt like myself again. I felt like Scott Moir.


	5. Storm Clouds May Gather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter. Comments are always appreciated. Thank-You!!!

5) Storm Clouds May Gather

 

I don’t love him, I feel completely indifferent about him. All those years where we moved in tune, held each other up; that didn’t mean anything. We were just acting. The Ilderton Carnival and the way he looked at me as an angsty 14 year old boy making my head spin; We were just kids who didn’t know much. The way he carried me home when I couldn’t stand on my own legs, and the way he screamed at Marina for pushing me too hard; He was worried about his career not our partnership. When he knelt in front of me and begged me to love him back, when I told him that I didn’t...that I never would; We were only together because of a stupid, painful mistake. These where the lies I told myself because I refused to trust my own eyes. These were the hateful things I swore to myself since I was too young to fully understand how unhappy they made me. They were just stories I forced myself to believe but not once in the process of building up my wall did I actually think I’d be without him. In my well formulated plan of building this stupid wall that took almost as long as building a pyramid for a king did I not consider what I’d do in the singular form. Rookie mistake.

 

The most messed up part of it all is that Scott can’t seem to be without either. I told myself that he would be okay, that I’d return and I would be a distant memory. That he would have moved on and he could forgive only to punish me by making me be only his friend...But no. Scott was unchanged. He still loved me yet he hated me at the same time. Everytime I look at him I see pain, not only his own pain but my pain too. His naturally dark hair and the thin line of his lips remind me of the one time I saw my daughter. She looked like him, she may have been small and lifeless but she was her father’s daughter. This made me so incredibly mad at the time. I didn’t want her to be like him. I didn’t want her to love hockey and talk her mouth off at the most inappropriate of times. I didn’t want her to be cheeky and daring, risking injury just to be the class clown. I didn’t want her to be overly affectionate and constantly say what’s on her mind. I didn’t want her to be compassionate and kind to a fault. I didn’t want her to be like him I wanted her to be like me.

 

Now two years later and hurting more and more each day that he’s gone I wish I had Harriet here, alive and well. I wish she’d be brave enough to say whatever is on her mind. I wish she’d climb on my lap for cuddles always wanting to be near me. I wish she’d dance around the living room hyped up on sugar, refusing to go to sleep. I wish she’d be goofy and excitable. I wish she’d be creative, and loyal, and caring. Just like her dad. With time I realized that all of the things I was worried my daughter would be were actually the things I loved about Scott the most. I would give anything to have him back, because I love him and I always have.

 

I woke up alone but for the first time in two years I felt okay. I remember him holding me, the way his warm breath tickled my neck and how his fingertips dragged along my skin heating me to the core. The pushing and pulling of my breathing that had felt so out of tune finally felt normal and controlled. I clung against his body trying to get as close as I possibly could without crushing him. For the first time in way too long I slept the whole night through. I only hope this wasn’t a dream. I rolled out of bed and searched my home for any sign that I wasn’t imagining him showing up at my door when I needed him most, even though he made it clear that he didn’t want anything to do with me. There was no sign at all. I started to doubt my mind. I looked down at the two gold medals that were still sitting together on my white sofa and it just seemed so real. I felt like a crazy person as I frantically pulled books off the shelf and opened and closed the cupboards to find a part of him. Finally I stopped in front of the door at the end of the hall  _ Harriet. _ I slowly swung open the door and scanned the nursery. The carpet was still fluffy and purple. The blinds were still closed. The dresser was still displaying the little pink birthday card but in the crib was a new piece of paper folded and tucked into her handmade lavender blanket. I held my breath as I crossed the threshold and picked the note out of the crib. I paused before unfolding it, feeling like I was looking into a moment that I wasn’t part of.

 

Dear Harriet,

 

I really miss you. It has been two and a half years since I have seen your nursery and I’m sure that if you were here it would be filled with toys, pictures and books. I hope you aren’t mad at me for being so upset with your mother. I don’t blame her for losing you, I want you to understand that. I blame her for pushing me away when I needed her the most, because I would always be here for her just like I was tonight. This doesn’t mean I forgive her, I don’t know that I ever will but I’ll never stop caring about her. Just like I’ll never stop caring about you. We are a family. Seasons may change, winter to spring but I love you until the end of time.

 

XXX, Dad

 

I didn’t cry this time. I just read the note over and over trying to understand why he wrote it. I was sure that this was his way of communicating with me passive-aggressively but I also feared that I was wrong. I folded the note back up and placed it on the dresser next to the pink card and I left the room, closing the door behind me.  _ We are a family. _

 

I arrived at Gadbois at 8 am and only Emilie was at the rink. She was on the bench at rink 6 lacing up her skates. I sat next to her and pulled my own skates out of my bag. She looked up at me surprised to see me.

 

“You came!” Emilie smiled.

“Of course I did.” I pulled on my left skate first.

“Sam said you were at his house when he got home. I’m surprised Scott didn’t scare you away.” Emilie chewed on a power bar.

“I don’t scare easily.” I winked to the 14 year old. She twisted her shoulder length hair around her finger.

“Hey Tessa…I was uh...wondering” Emilie looked at the arena door then back to me, “Could you maybe teach me how to be sexy?”

“Sexy?” I turned to Emilie.

“Yeah,” Emilie shrugged, “It’s just that all the other teams do these sexy little ballroom numbers where the girls swing their hips and wink at the judges. Sam and I don’t do any of that and even though our technique is higher our lack of presentation sets us back. I want us to look like you and Scott did during your Charleston.”

“Okay let’s take the ice.” Emilie and I stepped onto the ice and I scrolled through my ipod.

“Do you have any songs you listen to that make you want to strip?” I asked Emilie honestly.

“WHAT!?” Emilie gasped and blushed.

“It doesn’t have to be dirty. Just think of a song that makes you feel confident and flirty. Mine for example is Partition by Beyonce. Everytime I listen to that song I feel like a dangerous woman.” I smirked at Emilie and she was giggling.

“Okay let’s do that one.” Emilie’s face was beet red.

“Okay I’m going to play it and then i’ll start dancing and skating, follow my lead. Remember it’s all about the small extra movements. Don’t go too big or dramatic.” I said, finding my strip song and pressing play.

 

I started skating as normally but every now and then I’d run my hand across my collar bone or hip. I went into a low lunge and whipped my head back then closed my eyes rolling my neck slowly exposing different areas of my neck. I turned and watched Emilie, she was doing well but she was too uptight.

 

“Emilie, just dance. Don’t think to hard. Let yourself feel the music. No choreography or technique, okay.” I said. Emilie followed.

 

I turned so I was behind Emilie and she was in the lead. She’s a tiny little thing but so was I when I was fourteen, it’s not the shape of your body, it’s how you feel the music. Finally Emilie started to let her shoulders relax and she moved her hips freely shimmying her shoulders and letting her movement become sharp. It was just about a flutter of the lashes and a stroke of Sam’s shoulder that would help the connection. Then I got a brilliant idea, Emilie and Sam needed to do the same exercise that Jon-Mark Generoux got Scott and I to do before our Charleston in Sochi. I remember Scott and I weren’t connecting like we used to and he had us in the studio practising touching each other and learning the curves of each other’s bodies.

 

“Emilie take off your skates, we are going to go into the studio.” I said. Emilie looked worried.

“What about Scott and Sam?” Emilie asked.

“They should be here soon, we’ll wait.” And almost on cue Sam and Scott walked into the rink carrying their bags. I made eye contact with Scott for a split second before he looked away.

“Scott!” Emilie kicked off her boots and ran to her coach flinging her arms around him, “I missed you.”

“Hey kiddo.” Scott said kissing Emilie on the top of the head.

“Tessa said we are going to work in the studio today.” Emilie smiled in my direction.

“What? Why?” Scott glared at me.

“Connection workshop.” Is all I needed to say for him to remember.

“Oh...Okay, just for an hour then bring them back.” Scott said turning around.

“Oh no you don’t! You’re coming with us.” I said sternly.

 

I was getting really good at this Alpha female thing. I started leading the kids out of the rink and up to the studio before Scott had an opportunity to complain. I smiled to myself thinking about the fact that these poor kids have no idea what they signed up for. Once we were in the studio I got Emilie and Sam to stand across from each other and I stood next to Emilie across from Scott who looked miserable.

 

“The point of these exercises is to help your connection on the ice. You are supposed to look like you are in love and right now you look like two individual skaters dancing the same program.” I said looking at the two kids who were looking back with curiosity. 

“Exercise one. Just look into your partner's eyes. Get comfortable really seeing your partner.” I said and then looked at Scott who was standing before me. I looked into his beautiful brown eyes and tried to read the words he wasn’t speaking. He just looked back with a blank expression. I could see flecks of gold and green in his hazel eyes. His pupils slowly dilating. I could get lost staring into his soul forever. It wasn’t until Scott broke eye contact to look at Sam and Emilie that I realized I should move on.

 

“Are we comfortable looking at each other?” I asked.

“Yes, of course.” Emilie smiled at Sam who nodded.

“Okay now Sam I want you to touch Emilie and Emilie I want you to respond to his touch.” I said, both kids eyes got wide.

“Let me show you.” Scott said, I glanced at him surprised that he was contributing.

 

I looked into Scott’s eyes as he placed his hand on my cheek. I slowly shut my eyes and tilted my head into his hand exposing the side of my jaw. He then ran his hand down my neck and moved to rest it on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked at his hand following as he moved his thumb along the inside of my arm. I leaned into the pressure of his touch responding to the electricity coursing through my veins. I almost whimpered as he pulled away leaving my body feeling cold and hungry for contact.

 

“See how Tessa’s eyes followed the point of connection and her body responded by moving around my hand? Do that.” Scott said, I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He swallowed hard.

 

Emilie and Sam began the exercise both embarrassed and giggling. Scott continued to kick the levels up a notch running his hands up my back, through my hair, pressing our bodies together, resting his chin on my shoulder, standing behind me and dragging his hand from my hip up to my shoulder. It was like second nature to be touched my Scott. He breathed down my neck and sighed into my ear. It took me about five minutes to realize what he was playing at. Scott Moir was teasing me. He was touching me just enough to make me feel warm but not satisfied and then he’d pull away. Finally our hour was up and Emilie and Sam once they were over their embarrassment actually did a really good job.

 

The kids made their way back to the rink excited to get on the ice and work on their dances. They sat side by side lacing up their skates and chatting happily while Scott and I stood next to each other at the boards in a thick, uncomfortable silence. I wanted so badly to make things right but I didn’t even have to look at him to know he was still really mad at me.

 

“Scott..” I spoke softly enough that the kids couldn’t hear me, “About last night.”

“That didn’t mean anything.” Scott snarled.

“It meant that you still care about me.” I looked at him, his jaw was clenched. “Thank-you.”

Scott focused hard on Sam’s black skates as the boy laced them up. He refused to communicate with me.

 

“We are a family.” I whispered so quietly I’m not sure he even heard it, if he did he showed no sign of it.

 

\-------------------

 

I was leaning over the kitchen sink washing a pan and listening to a podcast before bed. I felt exhausted but also wide awake at the same time. It was 11pm and I have already had a cup of decaffeinated tea, I watched an episode of Suits and took a hot bath with lavender oil to try and help me sleep. I haven’t had any luck and I’m tired of trying so I’m staying up and hand washing dishes while listening to a Canadian Mountie explain the importance of police discretion. I wouldn’t say that today was a good day but it wasn’t a bad day either. Being able to touch Scott was a treat but it also made me realize that soon just being near him won't be enough. I let the warm soapy water distract me from the cold, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach as my mind wandered to the good old days. 

 

I almost missed It when the doorbell rang, I thought it may have been something I imagined. I placed the pan on the drying rack and walked to the door, wondering why the fuck I have a decal covering the peep hole. I threw caution into the wind and opened the door. What’s the worst that could happen? Someone would steal from me? I don’t own anything that can’t be replaced. Someone would kill me? At least I’d be with my daughter. The cruelest thing of all would be if it was nobody and my being so badly craves affection that It’s imagining sounds to make my big empty house feel like a home. It wasn’t nobody, it was Scott Moir. He didn’t say anything at all. He just stepped towards me, closing the door behind him then gently lifting me off of my feet and carrying me into my room. I didn’t resist or ask questions. I just let him, worried that if I were to speak he may change his mind. He placed me down on my bed and then removed his shoes and jacket, laying next to me. I responded to the familiar weight by rolling onto my side and tangling my arms and legs with his. He pulled me into his chest and moved his hand in soothing circles on my back while the other one stroked through my hair. Our breathing synchronized and within minutes I had fallen asleep. For a second night in a row Scott knew I needed him, even if only to fall asleep.

 


	6. Stars May Collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may come back and edit this chapter a bit later. I just wanted to get something up because I'd like to finish this fic before summer semester starts. I always appreciate comments. Thanks to those who have left so many wonderful reviews already. I'm truly flattered.
> 
> ***I wrote this after my dance competition and I'm pretty tired so I may go back later to re-edit if I don't like what I have written in the morning.

6) Stars May Collide

 

It has been two weeks since Tessa showed up at Gadbois unannounced and I feel as though I don’t have any control over my body anymore. My mind is mad at her with the fire of a thousand suns. The logical part of me tells me she’s danger, that she triggers my sensory neurons to feel pain the same was as if I were to touch a hot element. My body rejects me. It draws me close to her when I want to be far away. I hear every word she says crisp and clear like it’s the only sound I’m capable of hearing. When she demonstrates to Emilie and Sam correct hand placements in holds warning bells ring behind my eyes but my body melts under her touch. Every night as the clock strikes 10 my mind starts to betray me as well. The fire in the pit of my stomach turns to ash and the resentment turns to longing. I wait until Sam is tucked away in bed and then I run straight into her arms. We don’t speak, we just hold each other close. It has become my favourite part of the day, betraying my hostility and allowing myself to love and be loved. It is also the saddest part of my day, untangling myself from her sleeping body feeling the loss all over again. Every night I slip into Harriet’s room and writing her my genuine thoughts knowing Tessa will see it. It is my only way of communicating with her that I feel comfortable with and for some reason It feels safe if Harriet is part of it. It’s the only time of day when I allow myself to strip away the anger and feel the sadness openly grieving losing my family. _Seasons may change, winter to spring but I’ll love you until the end of time_

 

It’s a saturday night and I just left Tessa’s and I let myself back into my condo wiping my tears on the sleeve of my jacket before they freeze in the cold winter air. The cold doesn’t help when I’m already feeling so blue. I dropped my keys in the bowl on the table next to the door and kicked off my shoes, desperate to try and fall asleep. The kitchen light was left on so I went to turn it off before heading to bed but the kitchen wasn’t vacated. Sam was sitting at the island with Emilie next to him. The two teenagers were facing me looking serious.

 

“Emilie, what are you doing here?” I said checking the time. It was after midnight.

“Hi Scott, Sam invited me over. We wanted to talk to you. Together.” Emilie said, her black eyes looking even darker.

“In the middle of the night?” I looked between the pair.

“Please sit down.” Emilie said softly, pointing at the chair across the island. I obliged.

“What’s up?” I said lightly, “Who died?”

“Scott, as our honorary skating dad we feel that it is up to us to communicate our concerns.” Emilie said.

“You can always talk to me.” I forced a smile. “Even in the middle of the night...On a saturday.”

“We are worried about you.” Sam said, being prompted by Emilie.

“Me?” I scrunched up my face and looked between the kids.

“Yes, we know that you have been going to Tessa’s every night… Sam said you leave the same time every night and we were kind of curious so we followed you. It was fun, we were like detectives. Also, never drive with Sam in the dark while it’s snowing, we almost died. It’s been two weeks since Tessa arrived at Gadbois and you are just as angry, if not angrier than you were when she showed up. Sam and I have discussed amongst ourselves what would be best for our skating and we thought Tessa would be a good addition- and she has been, don’t get me wrong, she’s brilliant….but somewhere along the way we have lost you.” Emilie looks like she’s about to cry and Sam looks down at his lap in shame.

“Wh..What are you trying to say Em?” I asked, trying not to cry watching Emilie; Strong, steady, brilliant Emilie break down in front of me.

“I’m...saying...that...we...that we are prepared to let her go.” Emilie hiccoughed on her tears, “So we can have you back.” Sam put his arm around her tiny frame and she sniffled into his shirt.

“But you don’t want to see Tessa go?” I asked. Sam shook his head.

“No...It’s kind of nice having her here. She’s helped us a lot...But it’s also really nice having another girl around that I can talk to.” Emilie said, her voice shaky.

“We have decided that it’s best that she doesn’t stay.” Sam said, speaking up. “I’m sorry for suggesting the idea of bringing her here to Patrice. I have already spoke to him and he’s letting her go tomorrow. You don’t have to worry anymore, you’ll never have to see her again.”

“Yeah Scott, we are really, really sorry.” Emilie moved around the counter and wrapped her arms around my neck, after a moment Sam joined in sandwiching me.

 

I should have felt glad to know that Tessa was leaving, I should have felt flattered that the kids care about me enough to sacrifice a good coach...But I didn’t. I felt devastated. The thought of seeing Tessa made me so mad, but the thought of not seeing her destroyed me entirely. It has only been 14 days but I have already let her scent course my veins, I have already re-memorized the curves of her body. The scars under her knees that run longitudinally three inches down her shins. The tiny little dent in her forehead from when she got chicken pox as a ten year old. How bloody sharp her elbows were and how the freckles on her right shoulder look like a constellation. These were things that I started putting to the back of my mind but continued to collect over the years. As I hold her at night, waiting for her breathing to steady and match my own I go through the list of unique features on Tessa that most people overlook. The latest feature that I added to my list two years ago, the feature that only I know about is the raised line that runs across her lower stomach just large enough to destroy her world. Was I being too harsh? Was I too unforgiving? Maybe. But I have spent 21 years building my life around her. 21 years of time she stole that I wasn’t getting back. As far as I’m concerned being a thief is the worst thing you could do to a person; Whether it’s stealing someone’s belongings, someone’s life, or someone’s heart. Tess had done all 3. I wasn’t sure how to navigate my life anymore. I was a mess and the only person who knew my pain was the very woman who was causing it.

 

“Hey Scott?” Emilie shook me from my mind.

“Yes Emilie.” I sighed, feeling overcome with sadness yet looking completely dull on the exterior.

“Is it alright if I crash on your couch tonight? My homestay parent thinks I went for a sleepover.” Emilie shrugged.

“Yeah. Sure.” I yawned, “Sam will find you a blanket. I’m going to bed.”

“Thanks.” Emilie watched as I got up and padded towards the hall, “Goodnight!”

“Yeah. right.” I said. I didn’t sleep that night.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I walked into the rink after a weekend off with Emilie and Sam in toe. I instinctively looked to the bench expecting to see Tessa lacing her skates but she wasn’t there. I tried to get back into the routine the way we had it before Tessa. Things were fine without her, Emilie and Sam were fine without her. We moved through the motions and Sam pretended that he wasn’t completely disappointed when Tessa didn’t show up. When Patrice walked through the door of the arena both kids stopped mid-routine to spin around and look who it was. They sighed and hung their heads when it wasn’t her. I felt like I was an alright couch, but a terrible dad. These kids missed their skating mom...and so did I. Patrice shrugged awkwardly and placed a large parcel on the bench next to me and Emilie and Sam skated to the boards.

 

“What’s that?” Emilie asked, curiously eyeing the brown package.

“This was sent to me today by Carlos. It is addressed to Tessa.” Patrice said.

“IT’S OUR COSTUMES!” Emilie squealed rushing off the ice to sit next to me on the bench. Sam followed.

“C..Can we open it?” Sam asked nervously.

“I think that would be fine.” Patrice said. Emilie didn’t need to be told twice. She tore the paper so fast and lifted the lid off of the nicely wrapped box. 

 

Emilie handed Sam his Charleston costume insisting he tries it on. She oooo'd and awe’d over the feeling of her royal blue skirt for her free dance but then rushed after Sam to try on her flapper dress. The pair went to their separate change rooms and Sam was the first to come out. He had a huge smile planted on his face and he looked confident as hell with the gold bowtie gleaming at the base of his neck. He looked like a winner. Emilie emerged from the changeroom but her expression was very different. She had tears running down her face and she was gasping for air as she sobbed. The gold tassels on her dress danced around her fishnetted thighs as she walked to me. She looked the part, I didn’t understand why she was so upset.

 

“Why are you crying?” I asked Emilie as she sat beside Sam.

“Because these costumes are so perfect.” She sniffled.

“And?” I knew she wasn’t done.

“And we wouldn’t have had them without Tessa. These are the nicest costumes we have ever had.” Emilie looked into her lap and suddenly Sam was no longer smiling.

“If you miss her you could always just call her.” I said softly, “I’m sure she’d appreciate hearing from you.”

“I think you should take your own advice.” Emilie said, standing up and walking away shattered. Sam stood up but he didn’t follow her, instead he turned so he was standing directly in front of me.

“Why do you have to ruin everything, Scott?” He hissed. I was shocked, I had never heard Sam ever get angry before, or at least not express it. “Things can’t always be about you. Em and I go to Worlds in two weeks and we feel flustered and alone. Emilie is fiercely loyal to you so she’d never say it but we don’t feel like we stand a chance. I know you’re sad about your baby and about Tessa pushing you away in a time of pain but why can’t you see that we are fully committed to you, and that we need you. Remember how when we started working with you, you promised us that you’d always be in our corner...We don’t feel that anymore. You need to forgive what happened in the past and focus on the future, because we are your future. You are like a dad to me but you are so hung up on Tessa and Harriet that you’re ignoring my needs. Emilie and I love you Scott. We care about you so I am begging you...Don’t be a hypocrite and deny us like Tessa did to you because she was sad. We forgave her, why can’t you?” Sam’s words cut like a knife and the for the first time the awkward, shy, strange boy asserted himself and rose up. I felt my heart breaking for him because he was right. Him and Em have been giving me 110% and I have just been showing up. I needed to stop being so damn stupid and I needed to find Tessa. To make things right. To beg her to stay, not only for me but for Emilie and Sam. Because  _ We are a family. _


	7. Sing Out This Song And I'll Be There By Your Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are wrapping this baby up. This is the second to last chapter. Thank you so much everyone for such kind reviews. Our world is a good one. I am overwhelmed by how many people liked my fiction. This has been so far outside of my comfort zone so I really appreciate the comments. <3

7)Sing Out This Song And I’ll Be There By Your Side

 

I wasn’t offended when Patrice told me he had to let me go, It was what’s best for Emilie and Sam. Sometimes the thing you love so much, causes you so much pain. That’s what skating was for me. My love for the sport never waivered, not in my 30 years did I ever regret taking the ice. That doesn’t mean that it was easy. The pain it caused me both physically and mentally was enough to make me want to quit, but it was that tiny fire in my soul that didn’t let me. I no longer get to coach with Scott but that doesn’t mean that I’m done. My fire is still very much aflame. I’m just hoping, praying that the fire isn’t actually a candle that is being held in a vigil by Scott, my heart acting as a snuffer lowering down, down, down over the candle the further and further I get away from him. I finished packing my suitcase, neatly folding the ‘Letters to Harriet’ and laying them on top as I zipped up the designer bag. This time I left Harriet’s door wide open. It was time to set her soul free. I decided when I left Gadbois this morning that my heart wasn’t going to repair, that I needed to adapt to the ache. After all, It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all. This is what my therapist told me, she said it was a sign that I’m still human, and if I’m still human I have the ability to keep marching on. The distracting restrictive feeling in my chest is an ode to the doubts that swirl all around us, for the realization that you never do truly appreciate what you have until it’s gone. I appreciate Scott so entirely. It’s been two years, three months and 20 days that I’ve noticed how incomplete I am without him. It never was Harriet keeping us together, she was just the driving force that helped us realize we were wasting time lying to ourselves. It has been twenty-three years, five months and 16 days since I met Scott Moir. It has been twenty-three years, five months and 16 days that I have loved him. As a skating partner, as a friend, as a mediator, as a devil's advocate, as my supporter, as my protector, and as a lover. We will continue to love Harriet until our dying day but she wasn’t the reason Scott showed up at my room in Pyeongchang after three hours of press, she wasn’t the reason that I felt at home when he collapsed his body on top of mine, she wasn’t the reason I moaned out his name as he explored my edges with his tongue, she wasn’t the reason I begged him to come closer, she wasn’t the reason we finished in synch. She wasn’t the reason I told him ‘I love you’, later denying it. She was the result. I only wish I thought of this on that awful, heartbreaking halloween night. 

 

My cab driver honked his horn and I wheeled my case out of my home and locked the door behind me. I lifted the luggage into his trunk and then climbed into the seat next to him, watching as I drove away from what once was our perfect little Montreal home. I would sell it once I found where I belong, I would put it on the market and accept the first low ball offer wiping my hands of the stale memories that will forever haunt my dreams, her pale face, her dark hair, her long lashes, she straight line of a mouth. The driver turned down the volume on his radio which was playing some depressing Sam Smith song, which now sounded whiney and desperate and not at all worth the drama. 

 

“Where am I taking you miss?” The driver asked.

“To the airport.” I forced a smile.

“Business or Pleasure?” He asked, trying to make small talk.

“Pleasure, Paris.” I said, just deciding on a whim that’s where I’ll go.

“What’s in Paris?” The man asked, not realizing that I just want to be left alone.

“I’m not sure yet, hopefully something...and if not, then I’ll try London, and then maybe Scotland, after that Japan, or New Zealand or Australia.” I said naming off places where I’m hoping I’ll find happiness.

“You are like a bird.” The driver said, smiling at the road ahead of him.

“I’m ready to take flight.” I could hear my heart pounding in my chest.

 

\-----------------------

 

“Sam. I'm sorry.” I put my head in my hands. 

“I am too. As someone who has struggled my entire life to feel wanted, as someone who understands what it's like to be abandoned by someone you love...i thought maybe you’d be quicker to forgive. I forgave my mum years ago for leaving me. Scott...id give anything to have my parents long for me the way you and Tessa long for Harriet.” Sam was now crying. I couldn't draw my eyes away from the boy. He was being so brave and I knew this was probably taxing for him.

“Okay...Sam, Emilie, let's go find Tessa.” I pulled Sam into a hug, “Don't you ever feel unwanted Sammy, you will always have a home here. You are my son just as much as Harriet was my daughter. Sometimes we get to choose our family.” I squeezed the lanky boy tight. Emilie ran up and wedged her tiny body between us.

“Me too? Do i get to be part of your family too?” Emilie asked, her eyes glossy with fresh tears.

“Of course, what would we do without the annoying little sister?” I teased ruffling her hair.

“Lets go get Mom.” Emilie giggled and sniffled at the same time.

“Uhm…” We all turned forgetting Patrice who was awkwardly standing at the boards.

“Tessa mentioned this morning that she was going to pack her bags and find herself…” Patch scratched the back of his head.

“Where?” I stood up with a sudden urgency.

“She didn't say. You know her better than anyone Scott. Where is Tessa’s happy place?” Patch asked.

“The airport!” I gasped.

“Tessa likes the airport?” Emilie scrunched up her nose.

“No, but she loves Paris.” I said tossing Emilie’s skate bag to her.

“Let’s go!” I said leading the way. Sam has already pulled on his snow boots. Emilie shrugged and slid into her Nike’s still wearing her flapper girl dress.

 

We got into my car and drove through the busy streets of Montreal. I swore at bad drivers and red lights feeling the pressure of stopping the woman I love from getting on a plane. Emilie was giggling, totally unaware of how dangerously I was driving. Sam was biting his lip and gripping onto the door handle. Finally we pulled into a spot at the airport and I swore again at the price they thought they could justifiably charge for parking. Emilie, excited to be on an adventure, ran towards the departures gate. I couldn't help but laugh at her, exchanging knowing looks at Sam as we tried to keep up. She looked so silly with the black feather on her gold headband bobbed up and down, her gold dress swinging around her thighs and her purple Nike’s as she ran on her toes bounding more up and down than forward, like a ballerina. People started to stare. I have always been one for a good show, even if I was the one putting it on so I pulled “Booty Swing” up on my iPod and played it full blast as Sam caught up to Emilie putting her in dance hold. They half-ran, half-danced their way forward as I jogged beside them holding my iPod high into the air so everyone around us knew we were coming. I couldn't just greet Tessa, I had to totally embarrass her and make her feel how sorry I was. Because I meant it. We came near an Air Canada desk and standing at the teller was a defeated looking Woman with dark hair and green eyes. It was Tessa.

 

\--------------

 

“What do you mean you're all sold out?” I sighed.

“I’m sorry ma’am but we don't have any seats available for the flight to Paris. We have a seat for tomorrow's flight.” The teller said.

“It has to be today. What else do you have? Turkey? Japan? Korea? Anything?” I started to feel tears form in my eyes.

“We have a domestic flight to Calgary that has seats available.” The woman said looking at me nervously.

“That's not far enough!” I was growing impatient. I didn't want to have to go home.

“So it has to be international and today?” the woman looked at me like she was completely done with her job as an agent.

“Yes.” I said closing my eyes and breathing deeply.

“What in the world is going on. Do i need to call security?” the woman groaned. 

“Okay lady. I know I sound crazy but that doesn't mean-" I stopped realizing she was looking past me. 

 

Then I heard the 20’s Charleston tune and saw a glint of gold in my peripheral vision. I turned around my jaw dropped open. There were people giggling and filming, creating a runway between them. In the middle of all this madness was Scott marching forward holding his phone above his head and Emilie and Sam in their costumes twirling around in dancers pose ahead of him. As soon as Emilie caught sight of me she released Sam and started doing this weird deer-like hop run thing towards me with her arms out to her sides ready for a hug. Sam was following not far behind Emilie jogging a beat behind her, tears in his baby blue eyes. I looked to Scott who had stopped walking and just stared at me through the crowd of people. His face looked different. His expression was soft opposed to being forced into a frown. His eyes were wide and bright, opposed to dark and angry. He looked at me the way he always had before I asked him to leave. He looked at me like he loved me.

“Of course they're with you.” The lady said under her breath.

“Damn right they are!” I said before catching Emilie and Sam in a hug.

“We’re so sorry Tessa. We want you to come back. Please say you'll come back.” Emilie nestled her face into my shoulder hitting me in the face with her feather. Sam grabbed my hand and squeezed it, his other hand resting on Emilie’s back.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, looking straight to Scott who was slowly walking over.

“Please Tessa!” Sam said sniffling. I let go of his hand and wrapped my arm around his shoulders pulling him closer.

“I don't know guys...Patrice doesn't think I'm helping your skating. Not when Scott won't be around me. I'm sorry. I adore you both but I need to carry on. I promise I'll be cheering you on.” I felt my heart stop. “You both look amazing in your costumes. I'm so glad I got to know you both.” I hate goodbyes.

 

Emilie and Sam both backed away as Scott approached. They quietly stood a few paces behind him clutching onto each other. Scott stopped right in front of me, he was close enough that I could hear his heart beating. Immediately my heart started pounding to the rhythm of Scott’s drum. He looked into my eyes for what seemed like the very first time. I became painstakingly aware that we were still being watched by curious travellers.

“Tess..." Scott grabbed my hand that had fallen by my side. “I want you to stay.”

“B..But you wouldn't even talk to me, let alone look at me.” I felt my body gravitate towards him until I could feel his breath on my cheek.

“I’m so, so sorry. I was angry. I was heartbroken. I wanted so badly to hate you. To blame you but...but I couldn't. Because I-" I cut him off knowing what was next to come.

“I love you.” I said, looking him straight in the eyes.

“No, I love you.” He pulled me into his chest and I let out the breath I  didn't know I was holding.

“I love you more!” I winked to Emilie who was practically levitating she was galloping in the place excitedly.

“Hello Kiddo, I brought you a bloody 20’s show number. I love you more.” I laughed and cried at the same time resulting in a strangled sound escaping my lips. Scott drew away from me and ran his thumb along my cheek.

“Tell me you’ll stay? For good this time?” Scott leaned his forehead against mine.

“Harriet.” I sobbed.

“She's at peace Tess. Our baby is a peace. We need to be happy again.” Scott said softly.

“I have missed you so much.” I rested my hand on his chest.

“We can work through this. I promise. If I can't do it for myself, I'll always do it for you.” He whispered into my ear and then places his lips ever so gently against my own.

 

It was like the ice age was over. The frozen core of my soul that has slowly been freezing me from the inside out began to melt. The heavy dark blanket clouding my life had been lifted. My shoulders felt a sudden lightness, allowing me to wrap my arms around Scott’s neck where they so comfortably belonged. Colours seemed brighter and the air felt thinner. I felt happy. Suddenly it occurred to me the noise that surrounded us. Fans were cheering and clapping. Emilie was squealing and hugging Sam. Sam looked dizzy with a stupid grin on his face. The lady behind the counter was trying to ask me if i still wanted to book a flight.

 

“Come on kids, let's go home.” I said, holding Scott’s hand, turning him to face our students. Emilie launched herself like a baby horse clumsily against Scott who caught her and lifted her up with his free arm. Sam walked embarrassed into my embrace and turned so I could walk with my arm slung around his waist. His face was red from the attention of the crowd now that his adrenaline wore off. 

“Come on Newt. That was pretty cool! It was like a scene from a movie.” Emilie said, now safely on the ground walking next to Scott. His free arm around her shoulder. We looked like a family. In an odd chosen sort of way.

 


	8. Come What May

 

8) Come What May

 

“They did is Tess! They won!” Scott jumped up and down as the scores for Emilie and Sam’s free dance flashed on the board, a big #1 next to their names. Emilie was beside Scott practically on top of Sam with her arms wrapped around his neck. The camera man had a good view of Emilie’s butt as she leaned over her partner, her blue sheer shirt in a mess around her. I was sitting next to Sam with my arm gently around his waist. You wouldn't be able to tell but his weight was completely being supported by my arm. If I had let go now he would be a puddle at Emilie’s feet. 

“I'm so proud of you guys!” I said to the kids.

 

Once Sam was able to steady his own body and stood up to hug Scott, Emilie started squealing a second time pointing into the audience that was standing and clapping for them.

“They came!” She cried. “My parents came.”

 

I looked up to the crowd and there were two very lean and out of place people clapping and smiling down to Emilie. Her mother was a spitting image of her dressed in the most fashionable fur coat and framed glasses I have ever seen. Her father was wearing a tailored suit jacket and his bald head was covered by a fedora. It was almost comical at how lost they looked. Despite the fact that they hardly knew their precious, amazing, kind daughter they looked so proud. 

 

Scott held onto my hand so tight, I was sure he’d never let me go. The kids skates to the podium and I watched Scott as he watched 2 years of his hard work, dedication and talent receive world champion medals. I didn't need to see the kids win, I have seen the same process 100 times, what I loved seeing the most was the look on Scott’s face. It was a look I wanted to capture and take with me the rest of my life. It was the same look I so desperately hated when I told him I was pregnant. I hated it because it reminded me of the way my father looked at my mother, the way my brother looks at his wife and the way I looked at him when I was 20 years old and head over heels for him...until of course I realized how foolish I'd be to pursue him.

 

The kids had hours of press to cover so Scott and I ditched the scene before someone requested we relay our life stories for the billionth time. I still felt nervous around him. We had been getting better and communicating more as well as returning to our councillor but sometimes I still see him doubt that I'll show up to the rink in the morning. It makes me want to cry every time I show up and see his shoulders relax. It's not just Scott either. Emilie has gotten in the habit of calling me in the evenings to ask if, I'm going to bring my stretching bands tomorrow, or if she could pick me up a Cappuccino on the way to the rink. Anything to give me a reason to show up, as if she's not enough. The first day I returned Patrice fell to his knees in front of me saying how desperately overwhelmed Gadbois was and how much he needed me. It felt nice to be wanted but I just wish it wasn't because I was seen as a flight risk. I wanted to settle everyone's minds.

 

Scott and I walked around a beautiful park in Japan, the cherry blossoms in full bloom.

“Scott, I was thinking…” I started, him still holding my hand. 

“And?” his eyes looked heavy and he seemed so content.

“And I’d like for you to come home.” I said, searching his face for a reaction. For some reason he didn't look happy.

“I don't know Tess…” Scott looked at the trees, the path, the lake...anywhere but at my face.

“Why? Why don't you know? I'm telling you I'm staying and I want you to come home. For good.” I felt my heart sinking.

“I can't leave Sammy. He's my boy Tess. I promised him I'd take care of him.” Scott said, always so selfless.

“Sam can come! He can live with us. I can make him poached eggs every morning and help him with math homework.” I said excitedly. Scott let out a hearty laugh.

“I'm sure Sam would rather pass math and eat real food.” Scott snorted. “Besides, there isn't really room for him in our old house.”

“He can sleep in Harriet’s room! I'll redo it and make it comfortable for him.” I smiled at the thought of spending my days with Scott.

“Tess that isn't a good idea. There are just too many painful memories there. We agreed we’d move forward.” Scott said, I released his hand feeling hurt.

“Oh.” I felt really silly for asking, thinking he'd be happy.

“I was thinking id give up my apartment, you could sell the house and we could buy a new one...together.” he smiled. “It will be a fresh start for us.”

“I love that idea! We could buy a bigger house and then all our students could live with us!” I felt giddy.

“So...is this your way of telling me you never want to touch me ever again?” Scott joked.

“I would die happy if you never stopped touching me.” I winked. He pinched my ass playfully.

“Then there is no way Emilie is living in our home. That girl does not know personal space!” Scott chuckled thinking about how Emilie is more like a lap dog than a teenager. He was mortified one day when she started changing from her street clothes into her skating tights without bothering to go into the changerooms which at the time had a bulb burnt out making it scarier for her to change in the dark than to change in front of Scott who was yelling at her while covering his eyes for a solid 5 minutes. 

“Let's get a bigger house anyways. For you, me, Sam and some future surprise that may wind its way into our lives.” I smiled at Scott, he picked my hand back up and looked at me.

“You mean...you may want to try again?” he looked dazed.

“Yes Scott. I'd like to try again.” I said, giggling with happiness.

“But what if-" I placed my finger to Scott's lip pulling him against me.

“What if!” I said calmly, “life is full of uncertainty but we have always been fearless. What happened to Harriet won't happen again. I'll take the precautions to ensure that.” I kissed Scott softly.

“I missed you Tess.” Scott said between kisses. “This version of you.”

“I'm here to stay Scotty.” I said lowering myself to one knee. “Scott Patrick Moir, will you take me to McDonald's and then fuck me against our hotel door? I'm starving and I don't know if it's because I'm craving a cheeseburger or you.” Scott was now laughing so hard he was buckled over.

“Get up weirdo, you're embarrassing me.” Scott pulled me to my feet still laughing. 

 

We walked down the promenade towards Osaka's closest McDonald's and talked about what we'd do different with programs next season and expanding our team to incorporate more juniors and eventually seniors. It felt like the most comfortable thing to be talking freely with Scott, knowing that I am his and he is mine. It's not that we just stopped feeling the pain of losing Harriet I still miss her everyday, the waves of grief are sometimes just a subtle push and pull and sometimes they're like a tsunami washing me away. The thing I realized is that Scott is always there to collect me from the depths and that when he's in over his head I'll always offer my hand and pull him to shore. Doing this thing together is easier than doing it alone. I should have known this earlier with all the falls, failures and losses that Scott has helped me through. We are partners and that's not even brushing the surface of what this really means to me.

 

I ate a sad excuse for a cheese burger and Scott nibbled at my fries, trying to hurry me up so he could have his way with me. Once we set off back towards our hotel the sun was setting illuminating Scott in a soft orange haze. I was so ready to create a baby, maybe even twins or triplets...if that's how it works. That didn't seem to be the greater powers plan though. Suddenly we saw the silhouette of an awkward lanky boy and a tiny girl who was doing this weird gallop, prance like run towards us. Scott sighed loudly knowing that our sexual endeavors would be put off just a little longer.

 

“We really need to teach that kid how to run.” Scott growled. I laughed from my belly.

“I think we should mess with her and tell her she needs even more knee action.” I joked. Scott called to Emilie.

“Hey kid! You run like a horse!” He teased.

“An expensive horse? Or a lousy field pet?” She yelled back, still running and dragging an unamused Sam with her.

“I’d say the latter.” Scott winked at me.

“This pony is a Junior Worlds Champion!” Emilie finally made it to us, still holding Sam's hand.

“We are so incredibly proud!” I said pinching her cheek.

“Our babies are following in our footsteps.” Scott said lovingly.

“Uhm, excuse me but I don't recall you ever winning junior worlds.” Emilie teased back.

“Win 5 Olympic Medals and then you can rub it in our faces.” Scott tickled Emilie sending her into fits of giggles. Sam wrapped his arms around her so she wouldn't collapse.

“Scott, Tessa we just wanted to thank-you.” Sam said seriously. “I never imagined something like this would be possible.”

“Sammy don't sell yourself short! You are worth the world. Anything is possible if you work hard.” I said pulling him in for a hug. Scott and I sandwiched him with tiny little Emilie tucked away between myself, Sam and Scott.

“I love you guys.” Emilie squeaked being squished.

“We love you both too.” Scott said, tickling Emilie’s chin from behind Sam. She started giggling again. It was a reminder to myself and Scott at how young and impressionable Sam and Em still are, and how we pride ourselves in helping them evolve into kind, humble and determined adults. Skating is what we are here for, winning is the goal but commitment and love has always been the result. We walked back towards our hotel with the kids between us feeling positive that we were on the path to an extremely fulfilling, long life loving what we do...together. 

  
  


 


End file.
